constipated

after 6 days of
irregularity, i decided it
was probably a good
idea to head to the
drugstore for
some laxatives.

when i got there
i found an entire wall
dedicated to the
chemical removal of
fiberless stool
from a person's
bowel, and this didn't
even include the
enema section.

with so many to
choose from, i tried to
remember which commercials
i had seen or which
products i remember
my father using.

i finally found one
which was advertised as
safe and effective, two
important qualities,
no doubt,
but in big bold letters
the packaging extolled
two even more important
qualities:
gentle and natural.

yeah, i thought,
gentle. that's what
i need. and natural,
there's nothing
more natural than
natural.

the box claimed the
product was made
from the most natural of
ingredients: plants,
including
Peach Kernel
Canafistula
Iporuru
Quassia
and Senna,
and the combination
of these plants
makes for the
gentlest of laxatives.

i picked up 4 boxes,
just in case,
and paid for them
at the counter.

the young female cashier
gave me a strange
look when she
saw the 4 boxes of
laxatives sitting on
her counter.

"i've got a bit
of a problem," i said.
"but it's nothing
some gentle and
natural stool softener
won't cure," then
i winked at her.

she wrinkled her nose
in disgust and
proceeded to
ring me up.

when i got home i took
a dose and imagined
the gentle, natural
ingredients slowly softening
my stool.
i eagerly awaited
the feathery soft shit i
was about to take
and hoped it would
be everything i
was hoping it would be.

2 hours later i felt
the urge to shit, so i went to the
bathroom and
proceeded to take the
most horrific and painful
shit i've ever taken.
even worse than the night
i ate that bad
bologna sandwich.

there was nothing
gentle about it, i felt
tearing and ripping
and burning,
and what my ass
just went through
was anything
but natural.

however, when i was
just about to
push out the final
scorching bit, i felt
the tiniest of kisses
grace the inside of
my colon.

just then
a beautiful,
yellow flower
blossomed from
my ass.

this must be what
the company meant by
gentle and
natural.

 

-published in Babel Magazine