fat

in bed,
before we fall asleep,
my wife says she’s been eating way
too much lately.

she says her
face has been looking
fat and her belly is swollen
with cellulite.

i rub my hand
on her stomach and
tell her there’s
no way in hell she can call
herself fat.

“plus,” i add,
“i’m ten times fatter
than you, and i’m not
too worried.”

“really funny!” she says. “i can’t
believe you’d say something
like that to me when
you know how bad i’m feeling about
my weight!”

“what?” i plead.
“what did i say?”

she only rolls over,
ignoring me the rest of the night.

the next morning
i find out she
feels i’m closer to
25 or 30 times
fatter than her, so
my positing that i
was a mere ten times fatter
was an insult
of epic proportions.

and here i thought
i was not only
doing a good thing
by soothing my wife’s
concerns,
but was also looking pretty
damn svelte

for a fat man.

-published in James River Poetry Review