the honest relationship

my wife bought a
self-help book
she saw on Oprah
and decided that our
relationship needed
more honesty.

“we should be more
honest with each
other,” she said to me,
“we should be able to say
what is on each
other’s mind without
fear of reproach
or revenge.”

“i don’t know,” i
said, “i kinda
like it the way it
is.  plus, there’s
no way in hell
we’re gonna be able to
truly say what’s
on our minds
without one or the other
of us getting hurt.”

“that’s not true.
this book says
an open and honest relationship
is one that will stand
the test of time and
one that will be
able to work its way out
of any tough situation.
isn’t that what you
want?”

“i don’t know, baby,”
i said, “i gotta be
honest with you:
i don’t think
this honesty thing will
do anything but get
us mad at each
other
and we surely
don’t need any help
in that department.”

my wife kept on
and finally broke me down
to the point that i
consented to giving this
doomed experiment a
try.

“is there anything
you’d change in our
relationship that would make
you happier?”
my wife read to me
from the workbook section
of her new book.

“honestly?”

“Jeremiah, quit playing
around.”

“okay,” i said, “then,
yes.  i would like
for you to sleep with me more
often and allow me to
sleep with other women.
that would make me happy.”

“what?” she said.

“well, you told me
to be honest.
you can’t fault me for
doing what you told
me to do.”

“you want to sleep with
other women?  you’re not
happy sleeping with
just me?  are
you saying you don’t
love me?”

“no, i’m not saying i
don’t love you,”
i said.  “i love you
very much.  all
i’m saying is that an
extra blow job every now and
again would be swell and
what man wouldn’t like
to sleep with
more than one woman?”

“you are an asshole!” she said.
“you are a sick
fucking prick with no
feelings who’d
rather bang a bunch of
skanky women than to
live happily ever
after with your wife!
i hate your guts!”

“are those your true
feelings?  because, remember,
we’re being honest
here.”

“fuck you!”

“that’s all i was asking
for in the first
place,” i said.

her book was
right.

our new-found,
open and
honest relationship
is stronger
than ever.

 

-published in Babel Magazine