coming soon to a theater near you

my wife tells me that
she wants me
to write a screenplay
because she's tired
of being poor
and she knows that movies
make hundreds of
millions of dollars.

her request is based
on the following assumptions:

A)  that i can write a
blockbuster screenplay while
being handicapped
with the attention span
of a mediocre poet
and
B)  that millions of
dollars will cure all the
monetary problems
that we are currently
experiencing.

okay, B) is obviously true
but A) is definitely
a problem.

to humor her, i
sit at the computer
and start typing anyway:


    INT. LIVING ROOM OF SMALL STUDIO APT.

 An apish 30-something man and a younger-looking
 30-ish woman are on the couch.  From the body
 language the two display towards each other it is
 obvious they know each other very well, may have
 even lived together for a number of years.  The woman
 has a look of frustration and embarrassment, while the
 man looks perturbed and bored, as if he'd rather be
 watching Monday Night Football than talking.

            WOMAN:
    I wish you'd write a movie so we can
    get out of this hellhole.  You've
    been playing around with your little
    poetry for years and you haven't made
    one cent.  Hell, if you add up all those
    stamps and envelopes, you've probably
    cost us a couple hundred dollars.

   The apish man ignores the woman, picks his nose
  and wipes his finger on the seat cushion.  The woman
  slaps the man on the shoulder.

            WOMAN:
    Have you heard even a single word
    I've said?

   The man waves her off, then points to the TV.

            MAN:
    The Dolphins are playing the Patriots,
    can't this wait till halftime?


i decide to drop writing
the screenplay because
who would want
to watch a movie about
my life when i can
barely stand living it?

plus, it's far easier
to be a disappointment
to my wife than it
is to write a blockbuster
screenplay

and i am so
much better at it.

 

-published in staplegun press